


Year One: Brother/Friend

by creative_rebellion



Series: Intentions and Consequences [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Childhood Trauma, Destruction of Vulcan, Genius!Kirk, M/M, Pre-Slash, Starfleet, Starfleet Academy, Swearing, Tarsus IV, Trans Character, making an au into even more of an au, trans!Kirk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-05
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-11-23 14:23:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11404263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/creative_rebellion/pseuds/creative_rebellion
Summary: When Jim and Spock enter Starfleet Academy, their lives come together unexpectedly; first with rumors, then a meeting, a misunderstanding, and even more run-ins. This is their first year.Pre-Slash. Part one in the series.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I fuck heavily with the alternate universe timeline like WHOA. Summary:
> 
> George Kirk didn’t die on the Kelvin. Instead, the Narada escaped and Kirk lived. He spent the next year of his life trying to find the Narada, which culminated one year later with the Narada attacking Vulcan and successfully destroying it before being destroyed by G. Kirk in the same way it was done in the movie, except G. Kirk died doing it.
> 
> That was confusing. Let me break it down:
> 
> -Narada went through wormhole, found the Kelvin  
> -Kelvin was not destroyed, and managed to escape  
> -[Jim was still born in the middle of this showdown]  
> -George stayed Captain, spent the next year searching for the Narada  
> -exactly one year from the showdown, the Narada attacked Vulcan  
> -Kelvin attempted to save Vulcan  
> -Vulcan was destroyed, and George destroyed the Narada by crashing into it, also killing himself
> 
> This is all explained more within the story, but yeah, that’s kinda a big difference.
> 
> Enjoy!

When Jim applied for Starfleet, no one was too surprised. It did, after all, run in his family (and Admiral Pike had highly encouraged him to do it.)

When Jim _joined_ Starfleet, however; no one was really quite prepared.

\---

First thing first, Jim Kirk planned on finishing Starfleet in three years.

To do that, he planned to test out of as many classes as possible.

“Cadet Jim Kirk reporting for testing, Sir.”

The test proctor eyed Jim before paging through the papers on his desk. “Yes, we have you down to attempt to test out of two classes today. Is that correct?”

“Yes, Sir.”

A sigh. “You’re at station fourteen. There are headphones at the station. You have two hours to complete your first test, and then you will have a ten minute break. The ten minute break will begin as soon as your first test ends. You have two hours to complete your second test. Your scores will be available within two weeks. Credit will only be applied to your transcripts if you pass. If you fail, you can attempt to test out one more time. If your second attempt is failed, you must take the class in person or online.”

“I won’t need a second attempt.”

The proctor snorted, and then continued, “There is one padd located at your station for any shorthand necessary during the exams. Everything you do on the padd is monitored. Do not attempt to use the padd to cheat. Please put your bag in locker fourteen, and proceed to your station.”

“Thank you.”

Jim did exactly as he was told. He finished the first exam, took his ten minute break to eat a snack from his bag, and then completed the second exam. The whole thing took just over two hours. He walked back over to the proctor.

“While I’m here, do you have any other classes I can test out of? Maybe Calculus? Or something with Astrophysics? Or both –both would _definitely_ be better. Could you set me up with both?”

\---

Secondly, Jim wanted to challenge himself while in Starfleet.

“Kirk, you can’t take 24 credits in a single semester.”

“Respectfully, Admiral Pike, I disagree.”

Pike wiped his hand down his face in exasperation. “There is nothing to disagree on. It’s not allowed by Starfleet. Period. I don’t even know how you were able to register for that many –first year students are only supposed to be able to register for 16 credits.”

“There must’ve been a glitch,” Jim offered.

“I’m sure there was.” Pike glowered at Jim, “I would also like to remind you that hacking into Starfleet’s systems is a violation –”

“However, according to the absolutely riveting Starfleet Student Manual, it _is_ possible for high-performing first year students to take more than the normal amount of classes if their case is petitioned by their advisor.”

“Yes,” Pike agreed, “ _high-performing_ is the key phrase there. That means kids who are graduating high school two years early at the top of their class, or Vulcans or something. Not a kid who dropped out of high school and has a record.”

Jim clenched his jaw. “I can handle it, Sir. I know my limits.”

They stared at each other for a long moment.

Pike sighed. “I can petition,” Jim grinned in response, “ _but_ I can’t guarantee anything. I can try –I’ll point out that you tested out of four classes on the same damn day in the summer, but I can’t promise –Kirk, are you even listening anymore?”

“Of course, Admiral. Always.”

“Oh, drop the bullshit, Kirk, you’re insufferable,” Pike shook his head but was grinning slightly, so Jim didn’t take it to heart. “You’re dismissed. Try not to harass too many of the faculty here.”

“I would never.”

\---

Thirdly, Jim wanted to learn as much as he could while at Starfleet, which meant taking advanced classes that covered topics not easily available elsewhere.

“Cadet Kirk, I believe you know why I asked you to meet me today, before class begins tomorrow?”

“I believe so, Professor.”

“Would you care to explain why you believe it is appropriate for you to be in my advanced Ferengi language class when your transcripts show you have not taken any previous Ferengi courses?”

“It’s appropriate because it matches my level of expertise with the language.”

“And where did you learn Ferengi?”

“I taught myself.”

“I see. In that case, you won’t mind taking a short written test so that I can assess your ‘level of expertise’ myself? It is based on the final exam of my intermediate level class.”

“Of course not, Professor.”

Jim handed in the test forty minutes later before excusing himself. Another twenty minutes passed before he got a message from Pike.

_Kirk, the semester hasn’t even started yet so can you explain to me why I have already received a message from your Ferengi professor about you and how you must’ve cheated somehow to pass her exam? I distinctly remember telling you not to harass the professors here._

Jim cackled before responding.

_Admiral Pike, definitely no harassment or cheating going on over here. I showed her the extent of my knowledge with the Ferengi language so she would let me in to her advanced class this semester._

_P.S. you said don’t harass “too many” of the faculty here, not none. Just for the record._

Pike must’ve been waiting for his response, because it took less than five minutes to receive it.

_When the hell did you learn Ferengi? I thought you were joking when you asked me to approve that course._

Jim grinned.

_I got bored._

\---

Lastly, Jim expected to be underestimated and scoffed at.

However, it didn’t make it hurt less when it actually happened.

The story of his father’s sacrifice was well known. His life, his father’s life –his whole family’s life was pretty much public knowledge. So when he joined Starfleet, following in his father’s footsteps, people had a lot of opinions about it and decided the best place for those opinions was on the internet, available to everyone.

He tried to ignore the press as a whole. But sometimes that was impossible.

For the first week of classes, reporters followed him whenever they could, taking pictures and asking him whatever questions came to mind.

“Do you think your father would be proud of you?”

“What do you hope to accomplish by attending Starfleet?”

“How do you think you’ll fare at Starfleet, given you dropped out of high school?”

“Do you think Starfleet has been giving you special treatment because of your father’s legacy?”

Starfleet had to release a statement against the press on campus property, including a discussion of each student’s right to privacy. Jim’s classmates were not impressed.

Some students would occasionally ask Jim the same questions the press asked him, or asked about other intimate details about his life, as if they had every right to know it.

Some asshole in his dorm decided to program the dorm’s calendar of events to project unflattering articles of Jim every time he walked past it. (It was not nearly as satisfying as he thought it should’ve been when he reprogrammed it.)

And then, in his required class that he called Command 101 but was actually called something much more sophisticated (as Pike constantly reminded him), a discussion about legacy cropped up.

“Your choices determine your legacy,” the instructor was saying, “and whether you will be considered a good captain, or other officer, or if you will be remembered as a bad one. What kind of legacy would you like to leave in Starfleet?”

“Does dying in the line of duty automatically make you a good captain?”

Jim resolutely did _not_ flinch at the question, but looked across the room to where another student was lounging carelessly.

The instructor somehow couldn’t see where this was going. (Jim knew exactly where this was going.) “What do you mean?”

“I mean,” the kid said, “does getting yourself killed in the line of duty automatically make you someone worth remembering? Does your legacy come with perks? Does it get any of your kids into the academy? Because it sure seems that way.”

Jim grit his teeth.

The student turned to stare Jim down. “If you weren’t Captain Kirk’s kid, you wouldn’t be here at all.”

“That’s enough,” the instructor interrupted. “If you remember from your history class, Captain Kirk helped save thousands of lives when Vulcan was destroyed. And even if he hadn’t done so, no one is getting special treatment here. You will see me after class.”

And even though he wanted to leave, Jim stayed in class. Because captains don’t abandon their station when things get difficult.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim and Spock meet. It goes really well. And then it doesn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything I know about Star Trek, I've learned from fanfiction (and really intense bouts of googling random shit for this story omg)

When Spock applied to Starfleet, everyone was surprised, because absolutely no one had encouraged it. His father had actively _dis_ couraged it (“It is illogical to apply, as you will gain entry to the New Vulcan Science Academy”).

When Spock joined Starfleet over the New Vulcan Science Academy, everyone was floored–even the Vulcans ( _especially_ the Vulcans, even if they didn’t show it).

Starfleet did everything they could to make him feel welcome.

\---

“Admiral Pike, I would like to formally thank you for the work you did on my behalf prior to my arrival at Starfleet. You have my appreciation for petitioning my workload and arranging my teaching assistance with two courses.”

“At ease, Spock,” Pike responded, gesturing with a wave. Spock did not appear to move in the slightest. “Your arrival here was highly anticipated, and no thanks are necessary. We want to make sure you’re comfortable here. It’s quite rare that we have a Vulcan attending Starfleet nowadays.”

“Affirmative. Following the destruction of Vulcan, there have been renewed efforts to focus on our race and maintain our culture.”

“And yet, here you are.”

Spock tilted his head, just slightly. “Admiral?”

Pike sighed, “We are going to try to keep you challenged here at Starfleet, to the best of our abilities. You’ll have to keep me apprised of your education –if your workload is too much or too little. I hope you are as willing to pester me about your needs as much as some of my other advisees in your year.”

“I do not intend to pester you.”

“Of course not. Just let me know if you need anything.” At that moment, Pike’s communicator went off. “You’re dismissed.”

Spock took his leave, catching the beginning of Pike’s conversation before the door closed. “Ears burning? Also, you know you’re not supposed to have this number, right? Do I need to remind you that hacking into Starfleet’s systems is a violation –”

\---

At the beginning of the fall semester, Spock knew of only a handful of other students taking on an increased course load and all of them were upper-class students.

And then he heard about Jim Kirk.

It happened in the science lab he was supervising (as part of the science class he was the TA for), aimed primarily at upper-class students.

“I’m telling you, I saw him do it,” one student whispered to another. “He was in the mechanics labs last night, and he was doing something with a warp core holo. Like, changing the actual design of the warp core to make it better.”

“What do you mean to make it better?” the second student asked. And even though the conversation was whispered, Vulcan hearing was better than human’s, and Spock began making his way over to their table.

“So like, when he was done, he commed someone and told them that, with the alterations, there’d be a failsafe so the antimatter flow couldn’t be compromised. He changed the programming and the actual _design_ of the thing, and, like, I don’t know if he was working with someone or –”

Spock stepped in front of them, “Cadets, you are meant to be modeling the inner radio structure of your assigned galaxy, not conversing about improving an intermix chamber.”

“Sorry, Sir.”

Spock meant to turn away and leave them with their work, but his curiosity piqued. “Who is it you are speaking of?”

“Cadet Jim Kirk, Sir. He’s a first year, but he’s in all these advanced classes and doing a bunch of other projects too,” the first student explained. “I don’t know how he does it.”

Another student from across the room joined the conversation, “He’s in my programming class. He’s brilliant –he’s basically a TA for it.”

And yet another student, “I heard he’s only here because of Starfleet’s history with his dad.”

“Wasn’t he in juvie last year?”

“He’s in his twenties –how could he have been in juvie?”

“I don’t think he even finished high school.”

“Then how is he acing all of these advanced classes? He’s in, like, six of them.”

This was getting out of control. “That is enough,” Spock said, and immediately the room was silent. “I assume that you must be done with your models if you are spending your time discussing Cadet Kirk. Is this true?”

A chorus of ‘no’s filled the room.

“If that is the case, I suggest you return to your work.”

The students did as they were told. For his part, Spock continued perusing the lab, offering feedback as necessary, while in the back of his mind some part of him was wondering about Jim Kirk.

\---

He didn’t have to wonder long.

\---

It was near the end of the fall semester. Spock was performing adequately in all of his classes, and was conducting a handful of experiments in the science labs that required maintenance every four hours.

It was just after midnight and he was leaving from one such activity, when he noticed a glow emanating from a room that should have been empty.

He entered it. “What are you doing?”

The figure, hunched over a padd that lit up the dark space, was very clearly startled. “Holy shit!” he exclaimed, “I didn’t think anyone would be here right now. Fuck, did you even make any noise?”

“I did. I just questioned what you are doing.”

“I meant before that,” the person said. He ran a hand through his hair, “it doesn’t matter. Who are you?” He returned to typing on his padd, which Spock now noticed was connected to the classroom’s main computer. Probably to gain more power than a single padd provided.

“My name is Spock.”

“And are you, like… a professor? Or someone with authority?”

“I am a student. Who are you?”

“Oh, good. The last thing I need is some administrator barging in here trying to stop me. I did warn them that I was gonna do this. Well, really, I just told Pike I was gonna do this, but I think that counts anyway.”

Spock was beginning to feel wary of this stranger. “And what is it that you are doing?”

“I’m changing my records.”

“Breaking into Starfleet systems is a violation of at least three different academic policies.”

The man looked up at Spock and grinned. “You sound just like Pike.”

“My voice is quite different from Admiral Pike’s.”

The man blinked and then barked out a laugh, before continuing on with whatever he was typing. “Let me rephrase. I’m not changing my records. I’m making sure that other people can’t change my records.”

“Why would other people wish to change your records?”

“Because people are shitty, Mr. Spock, that’s why.”

“I do not understand the relevance.”

“I’m Jim Kirk. I’m sure you’ve heard of me. Or, at least, my father, Captain George Kirk, who died trying to save your world.” He reached into his bag without looking, pulling out a granola bar and holding it out to Spock, “Food?”

Spock blinked. “I was not aware Captain Kirk had a son other than the one named after him. And if you are offering me food, I will have to decline.”

“Funny story,” the man huffed while putting the granola bar back in his bag. “I wasn’t born as his son. Everyone thought I was his daughter, until I was old enough to speak for myself. My transition was a bit of a fiasco over here on Earth.”

“I apologize for my ignorance in the matter. Vulcans are not prone to gossip about other-world events.”

Jim flapped his hand, as if waving his words away, “No matter, I’m over it. Or, I would be, if people would stop being so shitty about it.”

“Please elaborate.”

“Well, Mr. Spock, someone has hacked into my records on two separate occasions in order to change my gender to ‘female’ and to change my name to the one I was born with. I’ve had enough of that, so I changed it back, obviously, but I’m currently putting in a virus so that if anyone tries to change it a third time, whatever device they are using will be infected.”

Spock was silent. Jim kept working.

“Have you considered speaking with the administration about these events?”

“I have. They did nothing. Or, sorry, you like specifics, right? They changed it back the first time, but haven’t really been proactive about finding out who did it.”

“Do you consider your virus proactive?”

Jim looked at Spock and blinked. He furrowed his brow, “Are you suggesting I shouldn’t try to stop whoever is doing this?”

“I am suggesting that perhaps you also add a tracer, in order to identify the original hacker.”

Jim blinked again, and then grinned. “Why, Mr. Spock. What a brilliant idea,” he beamed.

Spock nodded his head and stepped out of the room as Jim returned to his work.

\---

“You reported me.”

Spock turned around to face Jim Kirk, who did not look pleased. Spock was unsure how long Jim had waited outside of the classroom for Spock to emerge.

“Cadet Kirk, I did not –”

Jim interrupted, “No –specifics, right? You informed a professor of what happened that night –a professor who _hates_ me, by the way, because I proved him wrong in class –and then _he_ reported me.”

“It was, as I informed you, a violation of at least three academic policies.”

“You informed –look. You can’t just. I thought you _got_ it. And then you reported me?”

“Cadet Kirk, as you elaborated previously, I did not submit an official report about you or your actions. Also, it is my understanding that when humans begin sentences but do not finish them multiple times, as you just did, that it means they are feeling overwhelmed by emotions. I suggest you attempt meditation to not be overcome by them.”

“I am not _attempting_ –fucking hell, Spock, why couldn’t you just let me do what I needed to do? Starfleet wasn’t doing anything, and now I’m in trouble because I decided to defend myself?” Jim’s voice was loud.

“You are in trouble because you violated Starfleet policy. However, I am certain that if you can identify the original violator, the administration would be lenient.”

“No, they won’t, because the administration basically hates me already, and now you’ve given them a reason to question every aspect of my work here, and even my attendance at Starfleet. I’ve been almost entirely bad press for them, and your report is _not helping_.”

“Cadet Kirk. I was merely doing my duty.”

“Your _fucking_ –no. No, no, no.” Jim shook his head. “I was defending myself from being attacked, and you… you were just super shitty,” Jim sighed and stepped away, no longer looking at Spock. “You were just like everyone else.”

And he walked away, leaving Spock to stand alone while students filed to and from their classes. Spock found that he needed (suddenly almost desperately) to meditate.

\---

Jim exited his student conduct hearing with fury written into every line of his body. McCoy immediately steered them both back to his dorm room, planning on breaking out his emergency stash.

“Fucking probation, Bones!” Jim yelled, once he was sheltered in the privacy of his friend’s room. His glass of whiskey was still untouched. McCoy’s glass was not. “I can only take four classes next semester, and my padd is being monitored. _Monitored_ , Bones! Four fucking classes!”

“I hear ya,” McCoy said from his stationary position on his bed, mostly to let Jim know that he didn’t have to shout. Jim paced furiously in front of him, and McCoy took another drink. “But at least it’s only for one semester,” he offered.

“How am I supposed to graduate in three years if I can only take four classes in the spring?”

“The program is supposed to take four years, Jim.”

“Fuck that –I can do _better_ than that!” Jim shouted again. He slumped against the door, repeating, “I can do better than that.”

McCoy sighed and rubbed a hand down his face. “Y’know,” he drawled, “some people take classes in the summer.”

Jim shook his head, “I don’t even know what classes they’re offering in the summer. If they all suck then I’m just back where I started. I can’t rely on that.”

“So then find a professor to do an independent study with you on something that doesn’t suck.”

Jim snapped his fingers, “Pike. Maybe Pike. Or maybe something with mechanics? Fuck, maybe I should try to take more classes on Vulcan so I can figure out what the fuck went through that guy’s head.”

McCoy had heard all about Spock. For _days_.

“At least if you’re taking summer classes, it’s real unlikely that you’ll run into him. I’m guessing he won’t actually be on campus.”

Jim smirked a bit at that, and finally picked up the glass that McCoy had poured for him almost a half hour ago. And even as he drank with his friend, his mind continued to readjust and plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The students discussing the intermix chamber of a warp core was taken from information provided by this site: http://memory-alpha.wikia.com/wiki/Intermix_chamber
> 
> That bit about the modeling of inner radio structures of galaxies was stolen from here (trying to think of a project for students 200 years in the future at the end of a semester at a school where they go into space at the end of it): http://rsaa.anu.edu.au/research/projects/modeling-inner-radio-structure-galaxy-centaurus
> 
> Also, full disclosure, I have no idea how hacking into systems works at all so... whatever.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim and Spock continue to butt heads.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed my username from wandering_antevasin to this new one, just fyi if you hadn't already noticed.

The spring semester started, and with it brought new classes and new classmates. Jim entered the semester with only four classes, and quickly started planning other ways he could spend his time. (This mostly fell into two categories: projects and self-studies.)

Jim also realized, during the first week of classes, that Spock was in his command-centered ethics course that met once a week for three and a half hours.

He decided to ignore the Vulcan.

It only worked for about three weeks. (And, as he explained later, he “wasn’t actively trying to engage Spock, Bones! He engaged me –don’t you laugh at that, you know exactly what I meant!”)

“So what you’re teaching us,” Jim tried to speak calmly to the professor, “is that if beings in pre-warp societies are dying, even from easily preventable causes, we cannot interfere with them.”

“That is actually one of the forty seven sub-orders within the Prime Directive, Cadet Kirk,” the professor said. “Helping a society escape a natural disaster, even if inaction causes extinction, goes against the Prime Directive. Federation vessels are not exploring space in order to play God.”

“I don’t think we should be playing God, as if that’s even a thing that would be possible if a god existed, but maybe we should consider the fact that our purpose in exploring space is to locate allies and partners in the Federation, and we can’t do that if we’ve let them all die before they discovered warp.

“ _And_ ,” Jim continued, “Why are the lives of beings in pre-warp civilizations worth less than the lives of those who live in a planet that’s discovered warp? The choice to save a post-warp society over a pre-warp society is inherently a values judgement. We’re saying the only important beings –the ones worth saving –are beings who can traverse space –even more specifically, beings who can traverse space and have agreed to ally with us.”

“Starfleet cannot save every species, Cadet Kirk.”

“No, obviously not, but if it’s _known_ and _easily preventable_ –like an exploding volcano that will decimate the ecosystem of the planet and kill everything, why is it morally ‘right’ to do nothing, instead of flash-freezing the volcano? How is letting people – _beings_ ” he corrected quickly, “die the ethical thing to do?”

“Do you expect Starfleet to return to that planet every time a natural disaster is occurring?” a new voice asked, and Jim stiffened before turning to Spock.

Spock continued, “Flash-freezing a volcano would only work so long, perhaps a few hundred years. Under your example, would Starfleet then send a vessel to appraise the planet in regular intervals to monitor their progress? Once the Prime Directive is broken in such a manner, a certain level of responsibility for the planet falls onto the saviors. And what happens if the beings on the planet were to find out? How would that affect their mentalities and expectations?”

Jim bristled. “So you would rather watch beings die from something we could stop than help them because they might feel indebted to us once they figure out warp capabilities a few generations down the road?”

“I would prefer to not watch any being die. But that is not the kind of universe we live in, Cadet Kirk,” Spock said flatly. “Altering the lives and future of a planet doomed to die is a selfish act, only done to make you feel good about yourself.”

Jim snorted, interrupting, “Wanting to save others automatically makes me selfish?”

Spock continued, “If we save one group, where does it end? Our duties and responsibilities only extend so far, and we should not overstep our bounds.”

Jim bit back a sharp retort about _overstepping boundaries_ , grit his teeth, and faced forward again as the professor emphasized that if students could not comply with the Prime Directive, they could never be Starfleet officers.

\---

By the end of February, three more weeks had passed with three more disagreements occurring between Jim and Spock in the middle of class.

Spock had accused Jim of being irresponsible and rash. (“Such recklessness could lead to people being killed if you were their superior officer, Cadet Kirk.”) Jim told Spock he was cold and unfeeling. (“And you have no empathy, Spock, and an inability to understand basic levels of compassion.”)

Jim had taken to going to the gym with McCoy after class, in order to work out some of his anger and frustration.

“I fucking hate that guy, Bones,” Jim muttered as they sparred each other.

“Yeah, I know, and let me remind you that I’m a doctor, not a wrestler, Jim. You can get out your anger without hurting me in the process.”

“Just think of this as a combination of your Tactics and First Aid classes, Bones,” Jim said with a smirk.

“Both of which I tested out of –”

Jim rushed McCoy, throwing a punch that he deflected right before Jim dropped and swept his feet out from under him.

“Goddammit, man, can’t you just take it easy for once?” McCoy snapped from the ground.

Jim laughed and helped him up, “You gotta get quicker on your feet, Bones. What if we’re being attacked and you don’t have your phaser?”

“Well, I’ll be with you, won’t I? I’ll just throw you at the enemy and you’ll nag them to death.”

“You think _I’m_ the one who nags in this relationship? Bones, you need some self-awareness.”

McCoy was staring over Jim’s shoulder, “Well look what the cat dragged in.”

Jim turned and saw Spock entering the gym area. The smile dropped from his face. “Alright, Bones, let’s get out of here.”

“You got it, Jim. Drinks?”

“Abso-fucking-lutely.”

\---

The next week proceeded in the same way: Spock and Kirk fought in class, Jim and McCoy went to the gym, some time later Spock would also go to the gym, and then Jim and McCoy would leave. The week after was the same.

And then, suddenly, it wasn’t quite the same.

Mid-March came around, and Jim and McCoy were sparring after class once again. McCoy had gotten better at predicting Jim’s moves, and so their matches took a bit longer, and this time neither of them noticed when Spock came in.

Eventually, Jim was able to pin McCoy, who decided that tapping out was better than becoming one giant bruise while trying to fight him off.

As Jim helped him up, a new voice called out from the sidelines.

“Are you amenable to sparring with a different partner?”

Jim and McCoy turned to find Spock there, staring at Jim.

“Sure,” Jim said with narrowed eyes. “Show me what you got.”

“Jim,” McCoy hissed as Spock stepped onto the mat, “This is a very _very_ bad idea, and I know that you know that.”

“No, Bones, it’s a great idea, because now I can take my anger out on the source instead of you,” Jim whispered back. “I’ll be fine, just… shoo.”

McCoy stepped off the mat. Jim and Spock faced each other, just outside of arms reach.

“Pop quiz, Spock,” Jim breathed as he sized up his opponent. “If someone is being attacked, and that person decides to punch their attacker, is it ethical for someone like you to make sure both people are arrested, or just the one who started it?”

Jim attacked.

Spock blocked one, two, three punches and returned one of his own. Jim spun away from it, bringing his knee up as if to hit Spock in the side. Spock sidestepped and struck out at Jim’s chest with the heel of his hand.

Jim stepped back, irritated and rubbing his chest.

“It was not my intention to see you punished, Cadet Kirk. I was unaware that particular professor disliked you, and was merely attempting to update him on his lab.”

Jim attacked again. Spock blocked his punches. They danced around the space together, Jim attacking and Spock blocking. When Spock finally lashed out against Jim, Jim grabbed his arm and stepped in even closer, hooking one of his legs behind Spock’s knee and shoving Spock backwards.

Spock grabbed Jim as he fell and flipped Jim over to land on his back. Spock straddled his waist, hands locked around Jim’s wrists.

And Spock could _feel_ Jim’s anger and pain through the hold on his wrists. Spock’s mental shields were not blocking any of it. For just a second, he felt wildly thrown off balance. Since arriving on Earth, he had not touched any humans skin-to-skin. He hadn’t realized how strongly humans felt in general, how much Jim felt in particular, and it was _startling_ –

Jim lifted his hips and tipped Spock over, shoving as soon as Spock released his wrists. Jim leaned one knee over Spock’s chest in an attempt to keep him pinned.

“Your intentions don’t matter, Spock.” Jim breathed, “The consequences do.”

Spock grabbed Jim and threw him to the side, forcing him onto his stomach. Jim kicked and twisted, but could not flip back over. Spock wrenched Jim’s arm backwards, pulling it just to the point of discomfort.

He bent to Jim’s ear, “In Vulcan culture, we do not have any parallel to the transphobia you experienced. I expect it is due to our ability to meld with each other. I had no comparison to expect the treatment you received. I wish to apologize for any injury my actions caused. I do not believe you should be punished for protecting yourself.”

Jim jerked once, and then tapped his free hand twice.

Spock released him immediately and stood. Jim rolled over on his back.

Spock wasn’t quite looking at Jim, “Thank you for your willingness to –”

Quite suddenly, Spock found himself blinking up at the ceiling. Jim had swept his feet out from under him. It took him a moment to find his breath.

“Cadet,” he rasped, “you cheated.”

Jim and Spock both stayed on the ground, remaining side by side and breathing hard. Jim’s legs were somewhere underneath Spock’s.

“You know,” Jim started, and the soft tone of his voice surprised Spock, “I used to fight with my brother like this.”

Spock noticed the past tense. He turned his head to look at Jim, and if prompted later would not be able to explain why he asked, “What happened to him?”

Jim sat up and didn’t look at Spock. “He left.”

And then he stood, walked to McCoy, and left the gym. And Spock sat up, feeling the weight of Jim’s meaning like a pressure on his chest. _And I expect the same from you._

Why did it bother him so much?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to comment and subscribe!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim and Spock finally reach an understanding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for discussions of Tarsus IV (genocide, starvation, etc) and the destruction of Vulcan (more genocide, basically). Also tw for some light discussion of transphobia. (It's all very brief, but it's worth mentioning, I think.)

Jim skipped the next ethics class, and a part of Spock wondered if it was because of him. Jim wasn’t in the gym that night either.

Instead, the next time Spock ran into Jim was later in the week and completely by accident.

Spock entered the planetarium, intent on uploading his projections for class the next day. Instead, he found it already occupied and being used by a single person: Jim Kirk, standing in the middle of everything, facing away from Spock.

Spock walked into the space. The room was filled with holographs of floating stars, their planets, and nebulae. Whatever program Jim was using was incredible and beautiful. It looked, to Spock’s eyes, to show the Tarsus Star System on one side, and on the other was –

It was the Vulcan star system. It was his Vulcan. The original.

He must’ve made a noise, because Jim turned to look at him. His posture stiffened slightly upon recognition.

“Come to get me in trouble again?” he asked. His voice was rough, and Spock noticed that he was gripping a bottle of alcohol in one hand. It also seemed like his eyes were a bit red. Spock wondered if Jim had been crying at some point.

“Negative,” Spock said. “I did not expect to find you here, Cadet Kirk.”

“Yeah, well, you didn’t expect me last time, either, and we both know how that turned out,” he abruptly turned and slumped into a seat in the middle of the room, bringing the bottle to his lips.

Spock straightened and folded his hands behind his back, “I apologize, Cadet Kirk, for any harm my actions brought on you. It was not my intention.”

Jim waved his hand, “Whatever, Spock. It’s done now.”

They were silent. Jim stared at the star systems he had recreated, and Spock stared at Jim.

He walked through the holograph stars until he stood next to Jim.

Jim finally looked at him and raised the bottle, “You want some?”

“Alcohol does not affect Vulcans as it does humans.”

“I’m not hearing a no.”

“I have not said yes either.”

Jim lowered the bottle again. “Are you hungry? I have food, if you are.”

“I am not.”

Jim sighed. “Sit down, Spock. I’d appreciate if you didn’t loom over me.”

Spock sat without replying.

They watched the star systems move, both within their own systems and also around each other, as if in an achingly slow dance that centered on where they were sitting.

“What did you do, when you lost everything?”

Spock looked at Jim, who was still staring into the stars as if he hadn’t just asked a question of Spock.

“You did not lose everything, Cadet.”

“Don’t do that.”

It wasn’t spoken harshly, but it didn’t have the same softness as the first question.  Jim still wasn’t looking at him.

“I do not understand.”

“None of that Cadet shit. Just call me Jim. You’re the same year as me –we’re equals. So it’s Jim.”

Spock blinked. _We’re equals_. He dipped his head in acquiescence.

“Jim. You did not lose everything.”

Finally, Jim turned his head to look at Spock. “So what did you do.” It wasn’t a question.

Spock turned away, looking back up into the Vulcan star system. “I am assuming that you mean when Vulcan was destroyed.”

He paused. When Jim did not contradict him, he continued. “I was four years old when it happened, but I recall it quite clearly. I was planetside when we were attacked, which was rare, given that my father is an Ambassador to Earth. My human mother did not succeed in evacuating.”

Jim was looking at him with wide eyes. Spock was not looking at him.

“Our emergency evacuation procedures were lacking. As we now know, most of the Vulcans who were evacuated that day were those living in major cities, and those with a variety of resources at their disposal. It was, in its way, a different kind of genocide, not based on direct will, but indirect ignorance as to what would be necessary for a full planet evacuation.”

He continued, “Only a handful of Vulcan mind healers were able to be evacuated. New Vulcan was not founded until I was seven, and even then the healers had not met with everyone who had lost bonds on that day. It is customary to pair Vulcan children together at the age of seven. In English, it could be translated as a betrothal. Because of the loss of our planet, the damage to my telepathy due to the sudden loss of my mother, as well as my status as half human, I was passed over for this custom.

“You asked me what I did,” Spock glanced at Jim, intending to look away but, instead, maintained eye contact. “The truth is, I did nothing. I could not save my mother, and I could not save my culture or my species.”

Finally, Jim spoke. “You were four,” he whispered. “Even when you were seven, you shouldn’t be responsible for all of that.”

“Nevertheless,” Spock muttered and finally looked away.

Jim resettled himself, and went back to staring at the stars.

“Well,” he began, “I guess you already know that I lost my father that day. We –my mother and older brother –were on Earth when it happened. My mom still swears that she felt it when he died.” Jim shrugged at the memory. “I was one year old. One year old exactly, actually. A year before, when I was born, was when my father first fought the Narada –really, _that’s_ the day we lost him. He was obsessed. He spent the first year of my life trying to find where they had escaped to, trying to stop them. I mean, I guess he succeeded, but it cost him his life.”

Jim took a drink.

“Mom remarried when I was nine. Frank was such a dick –super close minded –and he definitely didn’t like me. When I was twelve, I told mom I was transgender. She told Frank. It didn’t go well.”

He took another drink.

“I was having a bunch of problems in school at this time too. So, when I was thirteen, I was shipped offworld, to a sort-of boarding school, I guess. A colony had been established, see, and the kids who went there were sort of straightened out. So the idea was that I’d get whatever help I needed in school and in my head, and then Frank and mom wouldn’t have to deal with me. So I was sent to Tarsus IV.”

“Jim –”

“It’s fine, Spock. Everyone else already knows my whole life. You shouldn’t be left out just because Vulcans don’t gossip, right?” Jim smirked, but it was not from happiness. Spock didn’t like it. “People there believed me when I said I was a boy. They called me Jim. They helped me cut my hair, and taught me how to bind my chest so I didn’t injure myself. Those people became a pseudo-family for me, and all of us were condemned to death.”

He continued, “I was there for about a year before everything went to hell. It wasn’t all at once. They kept it quiet –didn’t want people rioting about it. People just stared disappearing. After a while, we got wise. Someone figured out half the colony had been sentenced to death, and that we were that half. A bunch of us ran away –escaped, decided to live out in the wild instead of pushing our luck inside the settlement. I know other groups did it too, but we mostly stayed separate from each other. It made it more difficult for them to find us that way.

“It was hell. I was thirteen, and I was watching myself and everyone around me waste away. We would go into the settlement whenever we could, steal food and supplies. But it was dangerous. God, it was life or death, and we were dying in the worst way, Spock. If we were found inside the settlement, it was instant death. But outside in the wild, it was starvation, dehydration, exposure.

“Out of the original twenty people I escaped with, by my fourteenth birthday there were only six of us, and I was the oldest. I couldn’t save them. The supply ships came in mid-April, and by then we were down to three. Me, Kevin, and Thomas.”

“Jim, you were not responsible, as you just told me I was not responsible.”

“It’s not the same,” Jim grimaced. “My dad saved over ten thousand people in a year if we include the evacuation of Vulcan. I couldn’t even save twenty. I could barely save three, including myself.”

“Your father had access to technology that increased his ability to save others. It is not a fair comparison.”

“Yeah, okay, Spock,” Jim breathed. “Long story short, March is a shitty month, and I hate it, so I prefer to drink and wallow when it’s happening.” As if to prove his point, he took another drink.

He shifted gears, “Tell me why your mother didn’t succeed in evacuating.”

Spock was silent. Jim spoke again, “Unless you don’t want to, of course –it’s gotta be hard to talk about. Shit, sorry, you don’t have to tell me –”

“She was a school teacher,” Spock said. Jim stopped talking. “But on Vulcan, she took to helping in infant wards in her spare time. She used to tell me that Vulcan babies are the same as human babies, with the addition of telepathy. She was in the ward at the time of the evacuation, and did not make it out. I was… quite compromised, emotionally.”

“I’m sorry for your loss,” Jim said.

Spock paused, considering. And then, “In antiquated Vulcan, when emotion was more commonplace, we had a standard phrase given to bereaved family members, for times when logic did not provide answers. It can be translated to: I grieve with thee.”

Jim took a deep breath, and released it. “I grieve with thee, Spock.”

“I grieve with thee, Jim.”

\---

“I was an ass,” Jim said as he was closing his projections. “I’m sorry I assumed the worst of you.”

Spock nodded slightly, “An apology is unnecessary. There is no offense where none is taken.”

“It’s necessary to me, Spock,” Jim said. They were silent for a moment.

“If I may ask,” Spock started, “why are you alone tonight, Jim? I have learned that humans thrive on social interaction, and that it is particularly necessary during times of high levels of stress.”

Jim laughed slightly, “I’m not alone –you’re here.” Spock did not respond. Jim rolled his eyes and nodded, “Fine, fine. I’m alone because I just wanted to be –it’s how I’ve spent every birthday since… I don’t even know.”

“Do you not have friends or family to provide you support?”

“I mean, yeah, I have Bones, but he lets me do my own thing. He’ll check up on me later tonight or tomorrow. I guess I have Scotty too, but we don’t really talk about emotions so much as machines, which are way more interesting anyway.” Jim looked at Spock, and walked over to stand next to him. “Hey, tell me about that meld thing you mentioned when we were fighting.”

“I believe the correct term is sparring, and you are changing the subject.”

Jim shrugged and continued on, “See, I tried to look it up, and couldn’t really find anything definitive about it. Or about _anything_ , really, relating to Vulcan culture. We have a lot of the language, but not really a lot about traditions or cultural expectations.”

Spock straightened slightly (though it’s not like he had been slumping, Jim noticed), “My species is fairly reclusive in nature. We prefer to keep to ourselves.” They left the planetarium together, the cool air of the San Francisco night hitting their faces.

“Nah, I think you just like to put up a front.” Jim smiled, turning so he could walk backwards in front of Spock, “I think you like appearing reclusive and stand-offish and completely logical, but on the inside you’re something else.”

“And what would that be, Jim?”

“I don’t know. Yet,” he added, pointing a finger at Spock. “But I’ll figure it out.” Jim turned again so he was walking next to Spock.

“I am aware that it is important for humans to have a support network who they can rely on through difficult times and afterwards. Perhaps you should focus on finding someone to talk to about your past, instead of avoiding it by fixating on unimportant issues.”

“C’mon –you already told me about the betrothal at seven thing. Tell me about the meld. What’s one more bit of culture?”

“I will have to leave you now, Jim,” Spock said, coming to a stop.

Jim’s face fell, “No –I didn’t mean to pry, you don’t –”

“You misunderstand, Jim,” Spock said, “I have other matters to attend to tonight, while you should return to your room to rest at this point in time.”

“Other matters to attend –Spock, you know it’s, like, midnight, right?”

“It is approximately seven point two five minutes until midnight, at which time I need to be in the science labs.”

“Oh, okay, then –that makes sense,” Jim looked down and kicked at the ground a bit. “I guess, I’ll see you around, then.”

“Affirmative,” Spock nodded. “You should rest, Jim.”

Jim looked back up, and something that he saw in Spock’s face put a small smile on his lips, “Okay, Spock. I’ll see you later.”

And with that, Jim turned and walked away, throwing the now-empty bottle in a recycling unit.

Spock, illogically, watched him go for a full minute, until he mentally shook himself and moved to the labs.

\---

The next day, Spock conducted himself as he always did. But when he attended the class that he was lecturing for (he was meant to just be assisting with it, but the professor had apparently misunderstood), he looked up and saw Jim Kirk sitting in the back of the classroom.

He blinked, and then, “Class, turn your attention to the equation that is now on your padds.”

Spock directed class as he normally did, and Jim never said anything. And when class ended, Jim left immediately.

Spock was… perplexed.

\---

Spock stayed perplexed for three more days. Three days that included Jim coming to one other class Spock assisted with, and apparently asking Spock’s students about him.

“Not-Professor Spock,” a student in his lab called to him, “do you know a cadet named Jim Kirk?”

Spock had long since given up on correcting his students’ way of naming him, “Affirmative, I know Cadet Kirk.”

“Does he know you?”

“Affirmative.”

“Then why is he asking people about you?” the student asked.

Spock paused. “I do not understand.”

“So before I came here, today, he came and asked me if I was in your lab, and then he asked me what I thought of you. I mean, I told him all good things, just so you know,” the student finished.

Another student piped up, “He asked my friend the same thing –they’re in your Subspace Geometry course.”

“So,” the first student followed up, “if he knows you and you know him, why is he asking people to tell him about you?”

“I do not know, Cadet.” But Spock determined that he would find out.

\---

“Jim, what are you doing?”

Jim jumped slightly, not prepared to be interrupted while working at the library. He turned and saw Spock standing slightly behind him.

“Perfect timing,” Jim declared. One hand swept out in front of him, to gesture at the computer he was using, “I was just trying to dig in more to Vulcan culture and history. Instead of me translating, you _could_ just tell me a little bit more –”

“Specifically, why are you interrogating my students about my character and silently attending my lectures?”

“Oh, that’s what you mean, not what am I doing right now, but what have I been doing.” Jim rubbed his hands together and looked down. He took a deep breath, turning to face Spock completely. “I made a wrong assumption. I was right the first time.”

Spock folded his hands behind his back, “What do you mean ‘the first time’?”

“C’mon,” Jim smiled, “you felt it –the first time we met in the lab, and again in the planetarium. But the _first_ time we met, you know, I could just tell that you understood me –and I get you. Like intuition, Spock,” he said this while tapping the side of his head with a finger. Then his grin faded, “And then when everything else happened, I made an assumption about you. I thought that you were unable to put yourself in other people’s shoes –that you didn’t care enough to try. I was wrong. And then. When we sparred, I felt like we came to some sort of compromise. And then the planetarium…” He looked back at Spock, his gaze intense. “All this to say, I was wrong. So, I’m trying to re-learn you.”

Spock forced his hands to relax. Somewhere in Jim’s speech, he found that he had clenched them.

“So far, that’s meant observation and questioning,” Jim continued. “Your students, by the way, are borderline fanatical about you. They basically love you and are also simultaneously terrified of you, just so you’re aware.”

Spock was fascinated by the way Jim moved his hands everywhere while he spoke. “My students are prepared to defend my honor, it seems, had you been threatening it.”

Jim laughed, “Defend your honor?”

“I believe one student would have attempted a physical altercation with you if I told them it was necessary. Their exact phrasing was ‘let me know if I need to punch him’.”

Jim tilted his head back and laughed, long and loud. Spock absolutely did not smile.

“That’s great, Spock. That’s really great,” Jim patted Spock on the arm once, twice, and then dropped his hand back down to his thigh. “Speaking of physical altercation –would you like to spar again?”

“I would be amenable.”

“Are you busy right now?”

Spock’s eyebrow lifted, “Are you not in the midst of research?”

“Amazingly, Mr. Spock, I have a lot of free time this semester.” He turned to close down his programs, “I’d rather get my information from the source anyway.”

Spock paused. “Are you referring to me?”

Jim grabbed his bag, turning to give Spock a small grin. “Got it in one, Spock.”

“I do not understand that phrase.”

\---

After forty minutes, Jim managed to pin Spock (briefly –for less than ten seconds) two times, while Spock had been able to pin Jim (for much longer, unfortunately) four times.

By the end of it, Jim was sweating and breathing hard. Spock (to Jim’s credit) looked at least a little ruffled.

“Someday,” Jim said, “I’m gonna pin you for at least a minute.”

“I am sure you will.”

Jim shot a look at Spock, “You’re… you’re mocking me right now.”

“Of course not, Jim.”

“Oh my god, you are,” Jim laughed. He leaned in, pointing a finger at Spock’s face, “I can tell by –no,” he straightened, “I’m not gonna tell you how I know, because then you’ll make sure you stop doing it. You Vulcans and your fronts.”

“My expression is not a front.”

“Not right now, no, but that’s only because I’m learning how to read it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to comment please!  
> Also, be extra nice because my birthday was this week and I just got back from my honeymoon lol


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The finale.

The week just before finals found Jim and McCoy together, along with Jim’s friend Scotty, Scotty’s classmate Hikaru Sulu, and Sulu’s friend (other classmate? crush? high school exchange student? Jim wasn’t sure) Pavel Chekov.

They were studying. Or, McCoy was studying, and Sulu was trying to. But Jim and Scotty and Chekov were talking.

“You cannot transport someone who’s falling –how could you get a lock on their signal?” Scotty was asking in his thick Scottish accent (which was just hilarious to Jim –a Scotsman named Scotty).

“You can get a lock if you compensate for the velocity, acceleration, potential wind drift, among other factors,” Chekov explained, in his very different but equally thick Russian accent.

Jim added, “It’d have to be a pretty long drop.”

“But the longer the drop, the faster the velocity, the more likely something random will ruin everything, and the higher likelihood of death for the poor sod,” Scotty countered. “But if you _could_ compensate, even for the random chance factors –”

 Jim’s padd _ping_ -ed. Scotty continued talking, but Jim immediately focused on his notification.

“What’s that?” McCoy asked, not looking up from his own padd.

Jim typed a few things and then, “I got it,” Jim breathed, staring at the screen.

“Got it?” Scotty repeated.

Jim seemed frozen in surprise, “I got the IP address of the asshole who kept changing my records last year. It’s gotta be him –it doesn’t match the college tech –” Suddenly, Jim erupted into motion, grabbing his padd and standing at the same time. “I have to go see Pike –this could fix everything!”

Bones finally looked up, “It’s after five, Pike probably won’t be on campus right now.”

“No, it’s Thursday –he always has meetings that run late, but I gotta go, Bones. Fuck, _finally_ something good!” he shouted, tearing out of the room and breaking into a run. “Feel free to eat without me!” he hollered down the hall before the door shut.

“What is he trying to fix?” Sulu asked in the silence that followed Jim’s exit.

McCoy sighed, “Everything, man. Just everything.”

\---

Jim waited for Pike for almost thirty minutes before the meeting he was in adjourned. When Pike came out, Jim was right there.

“Kirk, how did you even know where I was?”

“Your secretary.”

“Who left two hours ago,” Pike said.

“Who leaves very large notes on paper regarding your meeting rooms,” Jim insisted. “But look –that tracer I told you about, it worked.” He handed the padd over.

Pike looked. “So you’ve got an IP address.”

“Yes, and it’s different than the normal signature of the campus units –see, right here at the end, if it was something done on a campus computer, it should end with the authentication code 40578, but it doesn’t, which means it was done on someone’s personal padd. And while I was waiting, I checked, and my records have been switched again. There hasn’t been any other activity since updating my midterm grades. This is the guy.”

“Or it’s just the padd that the guy borrowed. This doesn’t necessarily lead us directly to that person, Jim.”

Jim shook his head, “It will, because I’m betting that person, or their friend that owns the padd, or whatever, will soon be reporting to IT because their unit somehow got a nasty virus on it. Then we’ll have the padd, and we can figure out who did it.”

“You put a sleeper virus in your records?”

Jim shrugged in response, “Just around the section on gender. So, can we check the accounts? Can we figure out whose padd this is -who did this?”

Pike sighed. “I’m assuming this can’t wait until tomorrow.”

Jim tilted his chin up, waiting for the rejection.

“Jesus, Kirk, don’t look at me like that –like I’m about to kick you out of school.” Pike shook his head and looked back down at the padd. “Let me call some people, and we should have this guy by tonight.”

Jim grinned, “Does that mean I can petition for more classes in the fall? What about the summer?”

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.”

“But that _is_ what it means, right?”

Pike extended a finger, “Maybe. That’s _not_ a yes, Kirk –are you listening?”

\---

A week later and Starfleet had quietly expelled a first year student for repeated violations of various offenses, including but not limited to hacking into Starfleet’s systems with malicious intent, and a handful of student conduct policies dealing with bias incidents and hate crimes.

And for once, Jim felt protected. It had been so long since he felt that people took his identity seriously and honored it and _protected_ it. And to have his identity protected by Starfleet… Jim wasn’t quite sure what the feeling was named, but it was overwhelming.

(He might’ve cried from happiness, after it happened. But no one needed to know that.)

Almost immediately after the fact, Jim was hounding Pike again. (“When can I petition the administration for an increased course load?”)

And so, a meeting within the administration was set, in order to discuss the future of one Jim T. Kirk. And Jim told all of his friends about this, including one Mr. Spock.

\---

“Cadet Spock, you have requested to speak at this meeting on behalf of Cadet Kirk. Would you care to explain why?”

“Certainly,” Spock nodded. “It has come to my attention that Cadet Kirk has experienced restricted freedoms during this semester due to his actions last semester. I believe that, for the good of Starfleet, those restrictions be lifted.”

“For the good of Starfleet?” An admiral scoffed. “I think it’s better for Starfleet to see him continuously restricted.”

“Perhaps, but I believe that idea is short-sighted.”

While the admiral huffed about that slight, Pike leaned forward in his seat, “Please explain why you believe this, Cadet Spock.”

“If Cadet Kirk is kept under restrictions, it is possible that Starfleet will experience less reportable offenses, general disorder and some small amount of anarchy. However, if Cadet Kirk is restricted, I believe that ultimately every part of Starfleet will suffer for it.

“Starfleet is tasked to educate its students to each of their abilities, and I believe Cadet Kirk’s abilities are well above average. His performance, in fact, is quite similar to my own. Within his first year here, Cadet Kirk has taken no less than six advanced courses in various aspects of Starfleet –these on top of the required general courses all first year students must take. He has yet to end his courses with anything less than outstanding performance, and professors who curve their grades have had to withhold Jim’s grades from the process in order to keep the integrity of their adjustments.”

Spock continued, “In his first semester, my students witnessed him altering a holo of a warp matrix during his free time, ensuring that the intermix chamber could not be compromised as it was in on the _Enterprise_ NX-01 in the year 2164. He is deeply engaged with the history of Starfleet, as well as with its future. He is constantly pushing himself to make everything around him better, including the people and technology he comes into contact with.”

Spock looked evenly at everyone gathered in front of him, took a breath, and ended with, “Jim Kirk is no less than a genius, and limiting his ability to learn would hinder the progress of Starfleet in its entirety.” He nodded, “That is all.”

Spock pulled at the bottom of his shirt to ensure there were no wrinkles and then sat down.

Pike grinned.

\---

“ _Listen_ to me, Kirk –I can tell that you’ve gone off in your own head again,” Pike said, exasperation bleeding over his fondness for the young cadet. “They’ve given you back your privileges, but the administration will be watching you for the rest of your time in Starfleet.”

Jim flapped a hand at him, “Yeah, yeah, be careful and all that.”

“No, not be careful –this isn’t me saying ‘don’t get caught’, this is me saying don’t violate the rules of Starfleet.”

“Same thing.”

“It’s really not.”

“This means I can register for more classes in the fall, yeah?’

Pike sighed, “As soon as the approval hits the registrar, you can. I’ll let you know when that happens.”

“And we’re still on for the summer?”

“Yes, Kirk.”

“Could I petition for another summer course or two… or three?”

“Get out of my office.”

Jim laughed as Pike rubbed his face, “I’m taking that as a yes!”

“One more thing before you go,” Pike called just as Jim was about to leave, “you should really thank your Vulcan friend. I don’t think the administration would’ve listened to me alone.”

Jim stopped and slowly turned around, “What?”

Pike blinked, “You didn’t know?”

“Spock was there?”

“Cadet Spock specifically requested to be present as a character witness,” Pike explained. “He hassled the administration to the point that they had to let him attend. Kinda like you, in a way. He didn’t tell you?”

“No,” Jim drawled out carefully. “He didn’t.”

“Well, I guess if he wanted to keep it secret, he should’ve mentioned that to me. Anyway, if it wasn’t for his testimony, I don’t think the administration would’ve been this lenient. So say thanks next time you see him.”

Jim still felt a bit shell-shocked, “Yessir,” he replied.

\---

Jim had tracked Spock down in the science labs, and hung out near the edges of the room while Spock made adjustments to his experiments he had going. After a short conversation (Jim alerting Spock to his presence and Spock acknowledging it; Jim offering Spock food and Spock declining) they had a comfortable silence going between them –Spock working and Jim watching Spock work.

When it seemed like he wouldn’t interrupt Spock too much, Jim spoke.

“You had to know Pike would tell me.”

Spock paused, and then continued his work. “I suspected he might.”

“Why didn’t you?”

Spock was silent for a few more moments before he finally turned around. “I did not want you to assume that I wished to speak for you solely due to pity or guilt. As you know, my intentions were not to hurt you, and I did not have the necessary context to truly understand what was happening. However, as the consequences are what matter,” Spock quoted Jim’s own words back to him, “I felt it might be ideal to attempt to alter those consequences.”

Jim stared, “What did you say?”

“I explained that Starfleet is tasked to educate its students to each of their abilities. I expounded upon your abilities as you have shown them in Starfleet.”

The corner of Jim’s mouth tilted up, and he looked down, “And that worked?” he scoffed.

Spock nodded, “Affirmative.” He paused, and waited until he could catch Jim’s eye again.

Finally, Jim looked up, “In truth,” Spock said carefully, “If Starfleet succeeds in its chance to challenge you and attempts to provide you with every possible opportunity to learn, I have no doubt that you will do great things, Jim.”

Jim’s eyes were wide, and for a moment he simply stared at Spock.

His mouth opened and then closed again.

And again.

Finally, he cleared his throat, looking away from Spock to cough into his hand.

Spock stepped forward, brow furrowed, “Have I misspoken?”

“No,” Jim immediately spoke, voice rough. “No, you… you said everything right, Spock.” His hands were shaking. “It was just right.”

And then Jim looked at Spock and smiled, bright and soft like the sunset. And Spock could not help but smile back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end!
> 
> There will be one more chapter, but it will just be author's notes, not a "real" chapter (just fyi).
> 
> I'm not 100% sure when part 2 will be coming out, but hopefully within the next month or so. We will see. I hope you enjoyed part one -please let me know what you think! What was your favorite part, or your favorite line, etc
> 
> Thanks!


	6. Author's Notes: NOT A REAL CHAPTER

Hi, everyone. As you may or may not be able to tell, most of what I’ve written (fanfic-wise) has been one-shots that are pretty short.

This one has been different, not just because of the length, which is easily double anything that I’ve previously posted, but also because it’s a series. This fic wasn’t even the plot I was originally thinking about/obsessing over –that doesn’t come in until part two. This is simply the set up for that. So it’s weird.

I figured I’d post some author’s notes for people who care. If you don’t care, then don’t read it. I’ve found it’s kinda interesting to see what the author thinks about their writings, and what stuck out to them as important or whatever. It’s always intriguing, and as a writer, it can be useful to read about other writer’s processes.

I’ve broken it up by themes.

PACING/WRITING STYLE/DIALOGUE: One thing that I really tried to do with this story was not rely on description as much as I have in the past. I really wanted to communicate through dialogue. A lot of the scenes –especially at the beginning –could’ve been written with two or three lines ( _Jim tested out of four subjects in the summer, even though he went in with two scheduled tests_.) Honestly, this entire fic probably could’ve been shortened into like six pages. This would’ve (obviously) made the story much shorter, but I think it would’ve really cut out a lot of the personalities – _especially_ Jim’s personality –in the story. So I tried to communicate as much information as possible through dialogue –even actions or feelings of characters –instead of relying on description.

Another thing I tried to do was to keep dialogue as “real” as possible. A lot of times, people will start a sentence and not actually finish it –or they will finish it, but with a completely different thought than the one that first started the sentence. People will often change topics suddenly in the middle of a dialogue with someone else. I wanted both Jim and Spock to do these things, especially when they have their own goals for communicating. (I think this is most obvious in the scene where they talk about their pasts: Jim pushing for Spock to tell him about melds, Spock asking Jim why he is alone.)

JIM/SPOCK DYNAMIC: Obviously this is pre-slash, but can be read as very emotional. This series does eventually end with a Jim/Spock pairing, and this sets that up. I think it was important to me to emphasize the friendship between these two, but also not to make it super exclusionary. Spock is fairly isolated so I tried to show him interacting with other people, but Jim does actually have other friends –something that is emphasized more in part two.

I wanted to really show a sort of familial connection here, leading into friendship. When you have siblings, you fight with them –often quite stubbornly and extensively. Jim’s line “my brother and I used to fight like this” was important for me, because it establishes Jim as beginning to think of Spock as family, even if it’s not the most positive impression of Spock. (It’s also the first possible translation of t’hy’la, but we’re not quite there yet.)

Basically, this fic is meant to show how easily Jim and Spock get caught in each other’s gravity. I wanted to stay true to the AOS movie –that they dislike each other first, and then become friends afterwards. Even when they dislike each other, they are still highly entangled in each other, and I wanted that to be emphasized here.

TARSUS IV: I brought Jim’s history on Tarsus IV over from the Original Series (which I learned about through fanfiction, and then google). Obviously, the canon doesn’t really give us a ton on information to work from regarding Tarsus –what Jim did, if he was condemned or not, who he was with, etc. So I made it up. A lot of the fandom headcanons that he and some others ran off on their own, and that he was a leader –so I went with that. Maybe I’ll explore more unique options in a different fic, but I do think that option makes the most sense.

Jim is a natural leader –this is an aspect of his personality throughout all Star Trek media. Even if he doesn’t want it, people look to him. He walks into a room and people immediately watch him, intrigued by him. I think, even if this aspect didn’t start on Tarsus, it flourished there. And maybe he resisted it at first, trying to defer to others that he escaped with, but eventually it was just him and a few other people that he felt responsible for, and they all looked to him for a leader.

DESTRUCTION OF VULCAN: Obviously, I fucked with the AOS timeline (even if I tried to stick with the AOS relationship dynamics of the 2009 movie.) The reasoning for this is minimal.

When I started writing this story, I hadn’t actually made up my mind about whether or not Vulcan was destroyed, how to deal with Nero (if at all), and a bunch of other stuff presented in the AOS timeline. For a while, I was thinking it wouldn’t really matter, and that maybe I could skirt around the topic.

And then when I was daydreaming about this fic, a line came to me: “What did you do when you lost everything?” And I knew it had to be Jim saying it.

And then, more dialogue. “You did not lose everything, Cadet.”/ “Don’t do that.”

And I knew I had to include it. But for it to make sense, Spock would’ve had to have lost everything –meaning his home. Thus, the destruction of Vulcan.

But, I didn’t want Nero to still be a problem, so I had George Kirk take care of him, and that also added more angst to Jim’s background, so I think it worked out pretty well in the end. (Meanwhile, it does mean that Jim wouldn’t be granted basically immediate captaincy, and would have to do some fieldwork before then, but that’s alright I think.)

VULCAN FRONTS/SECRECY: Vulcan, as a whole, is a pretty secretive society canonically. They have rituals that they never tell anyone, places that people (in their own society) are not allowed to go, even a biological function that they never talk about unless absolutely necessary. I think this characteristic –this secrecy –grows even bigger once Vulcan is destroyed, so this shows in this fic. People don’t know much about Vulcans, and Vulcans have basically shut up about themselves and refuse to offer information. That’s why Jim is so curious about them –about Spock –and Vulcan culture (especially melds).

This concept is explored more in part two.

TRAUMA: Both Jim and Spock have experienced hugely traumatic events in their lives. For Spock, the destruction of Vulcan happened over 20 years ago, and he had assistance with Vulcan Healers, so I’m thinking that his trauma is mostly resolved, even though it still affects him (like a wound, it might be healed, but there’s still a scar that’s visible).

Jim is a bit more complicated –his trauma started as a child (father’s obsession and death), continued as an adolescent (being sent away to Tarsus IV for being trans, experiencing genocide there), and still continues in the form of transphobia. I feel like he’s gotten a shit-ton of therapy (especially after Tarsus), but there are still tells throughout the story relating to his trauma –mostly through use of food (see below). Meanwhile, there are many other potential long-term physical effects of this kind of trauma, not limited to a shitty immune system, heart problems, chronic pain, etc, which I would like to explore in a different fic if I ever have time for it.

Both of their traumas can also be seen in the way they feel responsible for what happened to them, for not doing more. Jim and Spock’s traumas are explored a little more in part two.

FOOD: As mentioned above, Jim constantly has food on him and offers it to other people. There are two reasons for this. One is that it pretty naturally extends from Jim’s experiences on Tarsus IV. The second is that it’s how he shows he cares –it’s his love language (a subset of the “gifts” love language, if you know what love languages are).

I imagine that, growing up on a farm in Iowa, Jim is no stranger to crop failures by the time he gets to Tarsus. But the extent of Tarsus’ crop failure, resulting in a devastating famine that prompts a genocide was probably something no one expected or was prepared for.

When Jim first offers Spock a granola bar in the classroom at midnight –their first meeting –it’s basically to (subconsciously) let Spock know that Jim wants him to live. For Jim, I think it’s kinda like nodding to someone you pass on the street – _I acknowledge your existence in the universe_ –but for Jim, it’s more like – _I want to ensure your continued existence_. I see this impulse as naturally extending from his role on Tarsus (at least in my fic here), where he helped save people from the genocide, and kept them alive. (You’ll notice that he doesn’t offer Spock food at all when they are fighting, but then starts up again once they’ve reached a ‘compromise’.)

SIDE CHARACTERS: I very intentionally tried not to gender the side characters within this story. Side characters are basically the only time I use descriptors instead of names (the student, the teacher, etc.) (I actually very intentionally try not to use descriptors for Jim and/or Spock throughout this story –meaning I don’t refer to them as “the human” “the blue-eyed man” “the Vulcan” etc.) Sometimes I did gender them (the side characters) –using pronouns like he/she or whatever –but I really did try not to. I also tried to use gender-neutral pronouns for side characters when possible.

I think that by not using gender-identifying language, it leaves a lot up to the reader to decide how they do or do not see/read this side character. How did you envision the test proctor in chapter one, or the instructor? How did you picture Spock’s students? (I would actually love to hear your answers to this, and your reasoning as well.)

TECHNOLOGY: As I said in an author’s note at some point: everything I learned about Star Trek, I learned from fanfiction and/or google. I did a lot of googling for this story (when Jim’s birthday was, what part of a starship engine could Jim fix and why, what the hell an intermix chamber was, what kinds of things grad students in astrophysics might be working on, etc…) which was super helpful. In fanfiction, padds and coms are often mentioned and used, but in my understanding, coms are only used for ship communication, so they aren’t mentioned in this story at all. I might be wrong about this, but whatever –they still aren’t mentioned in my story.

Padds, on the other hand, are used quite a bit, and I changed how they’re used in the Star Trek universe. It seems that in canon, padds are devices that maybe have like one document each, meaning that if you need to access 20 different documents, you’d need a stack of 20 padds. This seems ridiculous to me, as the setting is 200 years in the future, and we already have devices currently that can hold thousands of documents, images, videos. We wouldn’t go backwards from that. So, in my story (and probably all my (potential) future stories for Star Trek), padds are basically like laptops, but better.

GENDER: I made Jim Kirk trans. I tried to use gender-neutral language for side characters. But, this story still really revolves around transphobia in some ways. Just like technology, I think 200 years in the future, we’re gonna be a lot better about trans rights. But, I think people are still gonna be around that are stuck in the past, just like we have today –thus, transphobic side characters.

Meanwhile, I also want to put a blip in about representation. Representation in the media is vitally important, and if I can add to that then I will. As a cis woman, I had to do a lot of research for this fic. I wanted to make sure that Jim’s identity didn’t completely overwhelm the story (it’s not a transition story), but still seemed real. The challenges he faced in his life were all shaped by his being transgender, and his identity shaped how he faced those challenges. If I got anything wrong, I’d love to hear about it. I plan on posting my research at the end of part two, but if I’ve misrepresented anything about trans identities, please let me know.

**I am hoping to start posting part two around the end of September (I have a sticky note in my calendar to remind me!) but it might be later than that, depending on how much writing I can get done between now and then. Feel free to subscribe to the “Intentions and Consequences” series in order to get an update whenever that happens.**

Finally, thank you to everyone who gave me “kudos”, bookmarked this fic, and/or left a review. Every review meant so much to me, and it was awesome to get kudos and see the bookmarks. (I feel that I have to say that my FAVORITE bookmark was definitely the one that has the comment “YES LAWD” which I found _hysterical_ omg.) I love hearing if you liked the fic, and really look forward to it every time I post a new chapter.

So thanks for reading and for going out of your way to let me know if you liked it. I really appreciate it.

You’ll hear from me again in just a few short months (hopefully)! Be well!


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